The Air Other People Breathe
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency decides to invest in an oxygen bar.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is out getting oxygen somewhere. Except for one I just made up. I just thought it was time the gang had a new person to play with. Phrasing. **

**The Air Other People Breathe **

"Okay everyone listen up!" Cyril said as the remaining members of the Figgis Agency gathered in the conference room. "We finally have a way to make money!"

"If it's selling blood, that won't work," Cheryl spoke up. "Even if we sold all of Pam's."

"Or selling your hair," Pam glared at her friend.

"Shut up Harpy Squad," Ray said. "Do we finally have a case?"

"The only case we've ever worked on successfully was a case of scotch," Krieger quipped.

"That's not true," Pam said. "There were also those cases of beer…"

"And gin!" Cheryl added.

"Vodka," Lana added.

"Absinthe…" Ray added.

"Look an old friend of mine contacted me for a business opportunity," Cyril said. "I say let's hear him out."

"We've been reduced to getting into business with one of **your friends**?" Lana looked at Cyril.

"You actually have **friends?**" Cheryl asked.

"My life didn't always revolve around the Odd Squad here!" Cyril snapped. "I knew a lot of people before I joined up with you idiots!"

"Yes, but did they **want **to know **you?**" Pam asked. "That's all I'm saying."

"I was also thinking that," Lana said.

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

"Hey!" A male voice was heard. "Cyril? Anybody here?"

"In here Duncan!" Cyril called out. "Come on in!"

"Oh man this place is sweet," A very handsome man with brown curly hair and stunning blue eyes walked in. He was wearing a black shirt under a jean jacket, black jeans and boots. "Hey Cyril! Good to see you!"

"Good to see you too Duncan!" Cyril smiled as the two hugged. "You're looking good man!"

"Not as good as you," Cyril admitted.

"Oh…My…God!" Ray's jaw dropped.

"Okay so he's better looking than I thought he would be," Lana shrugged.

"Not just that Miss Bitch!" Ray pointed. "That's…That's…"

"I know you!" Cheryl pointed to the man. "I've seen you before! I **know **you!"

"That's because he was in the movies!" Pam realized. "You're…"

"Duncan Van Racer, yeah," The man nodded as he pulled away from Cyril.

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"Duncan **Van Racer?"** Pam yelled. "As in Duncan Van Racer from the hit movie Give My Heart A Chance, Vance? And Sharknoid 2? And Loser Law?"

"And the new independent film I've just made called Lost in the Amazon," Duncan explained. "Which took five years because me and the entire film crew actually **did **get lost in the Amazon."

"I was wondering where you've been," Pam said. "Because after Loser Law you just disappeared. And not because your movie bombed like most actors disappeared. Because Loser Law was a hit! And you won some kind of film award for that!"

"Golden Globe," Duncan nodded. "Just missed the Oscar nomination because I sort of accidentally took this one guy's parking spot and he was on the board of directors. And I also sort of slept with his ex-wife."

"So it was all politics," Krieger said.

"Pretty much," Duncan nodded. "And again, I disappeared **literally** in the Amazon jungle. I tell you if it wasn't for that National Geographic film crew I'd still be in there."

"Hang on," Lana asked. "Cyril, how exactly do **you** know a well-known actor like Duncan Van Racer?"

"We went to college and law school together," Cyril said. "He was my roommate in sophomore year."

"I dropped out of law school," Duncan explained. "I only stayed as long as I did because Cyril was tutoring me. Then he suggested that I go for this acting class so…"

"So, hang on," Ray interrupted. "You got into acting because of **Cyril?**"

"Well that and I've always wanted to be famous," Duncan shrugged. "It was either become a famous attorney slash supreme court justice or an actor."

"Good choice," Krieger blinked.

"Cyril you actually know someone **cool **and you never **told **us about it?" Pam was stunned.

"You never asked," Cyril shrugged.

"Fair enough," Cheryl admitted.

"God Archer is going to **freak** when I tell him about this," Pam groaned. "He loved that movie Loser Law."

"It had twelve car chase scenes in it," Krieger told her. "How can you not love it?"

"Hang on!" Lana said. "Cyril in all the time we were dating you never told me you knew an actual movie star!"

"Would it have mattered if I **had**, Lana?" Cyril snapped. "If I recall you weren't exactly the world's greatest listener."

"Burn!" Cheryl cackled.

"You know…?" Lana glared at her.

"So why did you pick **Cyril** to go into business with you?" Krieger spoke up.

"A couple things," Duncan said. "I need an accountant I can trust and Cyril was the best guy with numbers I know."

"Cyril is the **best guy** you **know?**" Lana blinked.

"Boy that's a sentence you don't hear every day," Cheryl giggled.

"He just hired me to manage his money," Cyril said. "Which means now our detective agency is also an accounting agency."

"And second I need someone who's good with numbers to help me run some new businesses I want to set up," Duncan said. "Can't keep acting forever. I talked to Cyril and we're gonna open up LA's newest and hippest oxygen bar!"

"We put in twenty grand and we get forty percent of the business," Cyril said.

"You want to spend our money on an **oxygen bar?"** Lana was stunned. "Aren't those passé?"

"And by passé she means stupid," Pam blinked.

"They're making a comeback," Duncan said. "And have you forgotten this is LA?"

"The smog is so thick you could cut it with a knife," Ray realized. "And there's more chemicals in there than a box of children's cereal."

"I've already picked the property out," Duncan said. "It's on Hollywood Lane Drive."

"That brand-new street they just **made up?"** Pam asked. "And isn't on any map yet?"

"Exactly," Duncan nodded. "It's the newest latest place to see and be seen. According to all the magazine articles I've read this week. It's perfect!"

"Hang on," Ray held up his hand. "You want us to invest money in an **oxygen bar**? Where people pay to breathe air that's usually free?"

"High quality air shipped in from all over the world," Duncan said. "Again. To LA. The smog capital of the world."

"Will this bar have alcohol as well?" Krieger asked.

"Oh yeah definitely," Duncan nodded.

"I'm good," Krieger remarked.

"Me too," Pam nodded.

"Hang on again," Ray spoke up. "Will we be allowed to go to this bar?"

"I was hoping you would," Duncan said. "You are my investors. And you can have free drinks on the house."

"I'm in," Ray said.

"Me too," Cheryl nodded.

"Why not?" Lana sighed.

"Sold!" Pam said cheerfully. "Let's open an oxygen bar!"

"Oh Duncan…" Cyril groaned. "Duncan…Duncan…Noooooo."

"What?" Duncan asked innocently. "Why? How much could these people possibly drink?"

Everyone else looked at each other for a second. Then burst into raucous laughter. "Did I say something funny?" Duncan was confused. "What's so funny?"

"Oh Duncan," Cyril laughed. "Duncan, Duncan, Duncan…Do we have a lot of catching up to do!"

"Don't tell him everything," Lana giggled. "He might run away."

"Just the basic stuff," Cyril waved laughed.

"Yeah if he finds out about the cocaine cartel and the failed spy career he might flip," Pam laughed. "And the time you took over the country of San Marcos."

"_Cocaine cartel?"_ Duncan did a double take. "Spy career?"

"It's a long stupid, stupid, stupid story…" Cyril groaned. "Thanks a lot Pam!"

"You're welcome!" Pam laughed.

"What's this about a spy career? And cocaine cartel?" Duncan said. "And did you really take over a **country?"**

"Don't worry about it," Cyril waved. "And I wouldn't worry about the drinking either. Let's just say you're lucky you showed up while two of our people are incapacitated."

"One's in a coma and the other is freaking out about her life falling apart," Cheryl explained giggling. "And her son being in a coma."

"Come to think of it," Ray spoke up. "Archer and his mother do at least 65 percent of the drinking around here anyway so…"

"So, Duncan is really lucky Archer is in a coma," Krieger realized.

"Coma?" Duncan asked.

"It was his own fault," Cheryl said. "Seriously who has a cyborg double and doesn't use it as a decoy?"

"Cyborg double?" Duncan did a double take. "Is that a **thing?"**

"It is around here," Krieger told him.

"Come on we'll talk in my office," Cyril waved. "I'll tell you…Well not everything because a lot of it is technically classified by the CIA. But I'll fill you in on the important things."

"Classified?" Duncan was stunned. _**"CIA?"**_

"Yuuuup," Lana sighed still giggling a little.

"We're not talking the Culinary Institute of America, are we?' Duncan asked.

"Nooope," Cyril sighed.

"You've had a pretty interesting life haven't you Cyril?" Duncan blinked as they left the room.

"You have **no idea**…" Cyril groaned.

Exactly five days later…At a new fancy bar named _**JUST BREATHE**_

"I can't believe we got this all done in **five days**," Ray remarked as he helped stock a bar with cylinders of air. And of course, plenty of bottles of alcohol.

Lana, Cyril, Pam, Krieger and Duncan were all helping to set up as well. "Well it was already furnished and built," Duncan said. "I got it on a foreclosure sale. Apparently, Ellis Crane once owned this bar but after he died it went belly up."

"Figures," Lana groaned.

"And convenient," Pam agreed.

"I can't believe we put up twenty grand to make an oxygen bar," Lana groaned.

"Technically we only put up ten grand," Cyril told her. "Ms. Archer put up ten grand…"

"Does she even know what this is?" Lana asked. "How did you convince her?"

"I said we had an investment opportunity," Cyril said. "She threw ten grand at me. Said she didn't care at this point because we already lost so much money. What was ten grand more?"

"She just said that huh?" Lana gave him a look.

"She was also plastered on absinthe at the time," Cyril admitted.

"That explains it," Ray looked at Lana.

"We also got twenty grand of Duncan's money and thirty from Cheryl," Cyril told her.

"Hang on. **Cheryl** put money into this **too**?" Ray did a double take. "Why?"

"My company came up with this new product," Cheryl walked over holding a cylinder. "Tunt Air. Breathe the power of success!"

"Breathing Tunt Air," Pam said. "There's a phrasing joke in there somewhere."

"You think that's weird," Ray pointed. "You should read some of **these!"**

Lana looked at some of the cylinders. "Breathe Me, Huff, Blow, October Breath, Gainesville the Breath of Florida."

Cyril read a few as well. "Inhale Me. Exhale/Inhale. Yodel the Air of the Alps. Gasp. Pant Some More. Breath of the Ganges…"

Cheryl had an oxygen mask and was breathing in her cylinder. "I prefer the Breath of Success."

"I prefer breathing without a mask," Lana said.

"You'd be surprised how many don't," Krieger said.

"Well I do," Cheryl cackled wildly. "God, I love this stuff."

"If you want to **keep** **on **breathing that stuff you should cut down on the glue and groovy bears combos," Ray warned.

"Never!" Cheryl laughed and walked away with her cannister.

"Well I warned her," Ray said to the others. "You heard me warn her, right?"

"Yes," Everyone else said.

"That's all I'm saying," Ray shrugged.

Later that evening, Just Breathe was humming and buzzing. The bar was full of the beautiful people breathing in the air of life all over the world as well as drinking and nibbling tapas. Bartenders and beautiful serving waitresses were serving drinks as well as cannisters of air.

"Was I right or was I right?" Duncan grinned as he stood to the side watching the action. He was with Lana, Cyril and Ray. Everyone was dressed up in nice clothes and having sips of drinks.

"I can't believe this," Lana looked around. "Is it just me or is this actually **working?"**

"I know," Cyril grinned. "Maybe our losing streak is finally over?"

"Don't say that out loud!" Ray told him. "You'll jinx us!"

"You guys sure you don't want to try the oxygen?" Duncan asked.

"I prefer my freebies in liquid form," Ray grinned as he took a drink.

"Guys I have a really good feeling about all this," Cyril grinned. "Look at the place. Everyone's having a good time laughing and drinking…"

"They're really scarfing down the Tunt Air," Ray noticed. "And they're really having a good time."

"A very good time," Lana noticed something. "Some of these people haven't stopped laughing since they got here."

"I wonder what's so funny?" Duncan blinked. "Oh well. It doesn't matter."

"What does matter is we get rich!" Cyril said. Then he noticed someone. "Krieger! Come on over! Isn't this great?"

"Oh, it's something all right," Krieger looked around.

"I have to admit I had my doubts Cyril and Duncan," Lana said. "But this place could really make us some money. Plus, everyone is having a real good time."

"A little too good," Krieger remarked.

"What do you mean?" Cyril asked.

Krieger told them. "I was looking at Cheryl's Tunt Air…It's actually nitrous oxide!"

"**Laughing gas?"** Lana shouted.

"Our customers are getting high on **laughing gas**?" Cyril gasped.

"That explains why everybody's laughing their damn heads off," Ray realized.

"Hang on," Duncan was stunned. "Cheryl's company is selling nitrous oxide? Isn't that like fraud?"

"That's **exactly** what it is," Cyril groaned. "Fraud."

"This is the same company that tried to sell cars whose engines caught on fire and made deals on both sides of the Civil War," Ray said. "Is it really such a shock they'd commit fraud over bottled air?"

"The Tunt Corporation stole a lot of land just to build their train routes," Cyril added. "And I'm not just talking about Native Americans."

"Yeah the Tunts are equal opportunity swindlers, shysters and scumbags," Cheryl walked over while laughing. "What are we talking about?"

"Cheryl! Your so-called oxygen tanks are filled with nitrous oxide!" Krieger told her. "Laughing gas?"

"Yeah I know," Cheryl giggled. "What? I've been huffing this stuff since I first went to the dentist's office. It's great!"

"Not so great if you overdose!" Krieger snapped.

"Wait people can **die** if they take too much nitrous oxide?" Duncan asked, clearly alarmed.

"You didn't see Little Shop of Horrors with Steve Martin, did you?" Ray asked.

"Technically it's worse if you have a heart condition or just breathe it directly without taking breaks to breathe regular oxygen," Krieger said. "Normally nitrous oxide is safe but if you overdo it…"

A man walked around laughing wildly. He bumped into a wall and then bumped into a table and fell on top of it. He was still laughing as the table collapsed under his weight.

"Things like **that **could happen," Krieger blinked.

"We **get** it!" Lana groaned.

"So much for breaking our bad luck streak," Ray groaned.

"What are you talking about?" Pam walked over to them. "This place is great! Everyone is laughing. Even that guy who broke a table."

"That's because he's plastered on nitrous oxide!" Lana barked.

"Our insurance premiums are gonna go through the roof if people find out and sue us!" Cyril groaned.

"We were supposed to get insurance?" Pam blinked.

"YES!" Cyril snapped. "THAT WAS YOUR JOB!"

"Oh I knew I forgot to do something," Pam realized.

Cheryl was laughing wildly. "SHUT UP!" Cyril snapped at her. Then turned to Pam. "What have you been doing these past few days?"

"I set up a separate smoking area in the back room," Pam told them. "For our higher paying customers!"

"Hang on…" Krieger did a double take. "A smoking area? In an **oxygen bar?"**

"Yeah," Pam nodded. "It's really classy. With Cuban cigars and all that…"

"Pam think a minute…" Cyril snapped.

"Yeah stupid!" Cheryl snapped. "The point of oxygen bars is for people to breathe fresh air! And not get cancer smoke! Even I know that!"

"Actually, I was referring to the likelihood of…" Cyril began.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"A fire," Cyril groaned as the sound of flames and people screaming were heard.

"Good thing nitrous oxide isn't flammable," Krieger winced.

"Actually…" Cheryl paused between giggles. "This isn't regular nitrous oxide. This has a bit of a kick which…"

"RUN!" Lana screamed. "EVERYBODY OUT! OUT!"

"I should have known…" Cyril groaned as the sounds of screams, flames and laughter filled the bar. "I should have known…"

Twenty minutes later the gang was staring at what was left of the bar and the firemen putting out the flames. "Well I'm dreading the reviews I'm telling you that," Krieger groaned.

"To be fair I signed off on the smoking area," Duncan blinked. "I thought it was a good idea too."

"There goes seventy thousand dollars up in smoke," Pam groaned.

"Literally…" Cheryl was still holding onto her cannister and laughing. Pam took it away. "HEY!"

"To be fair Cheryl lost more money than the rest of us," Krieger pointed out. "And ten thousand was Ms. Archer…"

"Who is going to kill us," Ray looked at him.

"Not if we just blame Cheryl," Krieger pointed to the still laughing Cheryl.

"Good plan," Ray said.

"I have no problem with that," Lana sighed.

"Oh god! We're ruined!" Duncan moaned.

"It's a just a fire," Pam waved. "We're not ruined. Well you might be but…"

"How can you all be so calm about this?" Duncan shouted. "Our bar is up in flames! This doesn't freak you out?"

"This happens more often than you'd think," Cyril sighed. "In fact, it's kind of become a running joke."

Cheryl kept giggling and then started to run off. "Speaking of running jokes…" Pam remarked. "Cheryl's going streaking again…"

"She's not…" Lana did a double take. "Oh there goes her dress. Yup. She's streaking again."

"I'M SO FREE!" Cheryl laughed.

"Not if the cops arrest you for public nudity Giggles Magee!" Pam shouted. "Whose turn is it?"

"Mine," Lana groaned. "Even AJ keeps her clothes on more than Cheryl."

"So, does anyone want to go out and get a drink?" Ray asked as Lana went to capture Cheryl. "Maybe go to a bar? Or someplace we could get fresh air?"

Everyone looked at Ray. "Too soon?" Ray asked innocently.


End file.
